Saturday night in a crowded bar, standing betwixt desiccated beer droppings and sweaty bro-funk, the guy I’d spent 20 minutes talk-shouting to—there’s no other way to converse in a Bon Jovi-blasting pub—grabs my hand, tenderly and with both of his, looks right into my eyes and says, “You’re kind of weird, aren’t you?”
Not the best way to a girl’s heart but yes, I am a little weird and I’ll be the first to admit it. The proof: I named my dog Austin because I figured any city whose official motto pledged to keep things weird was at the very (verrrry) least deserving of recognition in the form of an 11-pound terrier with crooked ears. Also, I only drink goat’s milk.
Weird.
And when it comes to summer, what better way to proclaim its official inception than through acts of unmitigated weirdiosity? Here’s how …
- Digitally. With Cats. Think about how much better that picture of you, watermelon mojito in hand, toes dangling in a pool, would be if, on the edge of your smallest, left toe, there was a cat. Whelp that dream just became a reality with Cat Paint, a strange, magnificent app that allows you to insert flying cats on top of any photo you please. Commence summer fun!
Rosé, the cat way.
2. With the baddest grandma in the game. I don’t know who Baddie Winkle is or why she’s not my best friend but I’m pretty sure she invented the crop top, a summer fashion staple, in uh, the 1940s?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BGssopXrFfm/?taken-by=baddiewinkle
3. By wearing a facekini. Apparently these things are all the rage on the beaches in China but to be honest, I think they look way more V for Vendetta than Vogue.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BAQ-kH5ASHh/?tagged=facekini
4. By watching this David Hasselhoff video. Because summer is nothing without an eskimo Hasselhoff who has a penchant for hanging by random ponds, standing on self-driving motorcycles and catching fish with his bare … mouth.
5. With pickle pops. The weather is hot and you’re thirsty. What’s a heat-wave-parched person to do? Don’t go for the bland glass of water when you can have a pickle pop! According to the official pickle pop website, these things are best eaten by athletes “looking for a competitive advantage” and also “closet pickle drinkers.” So there’s that. Bring it on, pickled summer of 2016!
Image via bobspicklepops.com
