I’ll be the first to admit I know next to nothing about high fashion. Middle-of-the-road fashion, sure. T-shirt-and-jeans fashion, you bet. Unwashed yoga-pants fashion, definitely. But the mystifying outfits, the befuddling silhouettes, the sexually glazed hairstyles … that I just don’t understand. So, when New York Fashion Week rolls around every September, I watch the runway shows with a distinct feeling of uneasiness as the inner monologue in my head chirps: Is this craziness for real?
Oh but it is, I tell myself. Because as Andy Warhol once said, “Art is whatever you can get away with,” which means if high fashion is art is high fashion then I need to stop being so practical and lame. Except c’mon people, you can’t tell me these outfits from this year’s shows are anything to wear in real, actual, everyday life, right? RIGHT?
1. You know you’ve made it as a fashion designer when you can literally tie a bathrobe onto your models, make them wear your dirty, gym t-shirts and call it a day.
2. Could you imagine wearing this Prabal Gurung creation on a first date? “Table for four please,” you’d have to say, to which your date would ask, “Um, is anyone else joining us?” To which you’d have to respond, “Why yes, my two, absurdly huge sleeves.”
3. High fashion or the space pajamas you owned when you were four?
4. Designer Jeremy Scott warns us to “set our phases to stun” for these designs and yeah, we could do that or set them to “crush” and take our phaser-ice and put it inside two tallboy glasses, pour some whiskey into those glasses and then rest ‘em on our skirts in between sips because hey, these little numbers can also double as wearable coffee tables.
5. I know those jeans! I MADE those jeans in the eighth grade with a hot glue gun and some $3 felt patches from my neighborhood Michaels craft store. Oh, $5 million dollars for this pair because they’re Alice + Olivia? Sure, I’ll take two.Tell me when … yeah, no. I’m not even gonna go there. No words on this one.
6. When you’re traipsin’ to your superhero classes but also kind of want to be a villain.
7. Where, may I ask, but the runways of New York, can anyone get away with an outfit that involves a bright-paneled leather jacket and nothing else? And yes, I ask this not because I wonder but because I want to know so I can GO TO THERE.
8. Wait a second. I thought that the official rulebook of fashun said we COULDN’T wear our socks with our sandals! So you’re telling me this whole time I’ve stuffed my cotton-socked feet into flip flops to walk my dog at 6 a.m. I’ve actually been haute couture? Kewl.
9. One question: What are those things hanging off her dress, patches? Is Michael’s the new Michael Kors?