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I didn’t go to Gwyneth Paltrow’s In Goop Health event in Culver City, CA this past Saturday. I didn’t even contemplate dropping the $500 (or at its most vegan-ly indulgent, $1,500) required to attend. To be honest, I’m still recovering from her first cookbook’s blatant impracticality, discovered years ago as I was salivating over a pizza recipe only to realize it called for imported tomatoes from a sustainable farm in Southern Tuscany manned by a woman born on the third Wednesday in July and also a wood-fired backyard oven.

Adore me some Gwyneth, (hello there, The Royal Tenenbaums, Shakespeare in Love, and even Country Strong), but not all of us have Mario Batali listed as a favorite in our phone.

Anyway, because I wasn’t IRL at the fête, I’ve combed through the #InGoopHealth tweets and am listing the most ridiculous things uncovered during this digital excavation. My hope is that the below observations afford us casual, delivery-pizza folk the opportunity to understand what it might have been like to hobnob with the finest Goopists in Tinseltown … 

“Did you get your aura photographed?”

Woman on her way to aura photography session in full hair and makeup.

What this question actually means is still unclear but someone tweeted she overheard it asked at some point during the 11-hour event. Was there a photo booth by the crystal-reading entrance (perhaps adjacent to the $35 Goop-branded water bottle stand), and when you stepped inside its farm-to-table bounds a vaporous cloud—your “aura”—appeared out of absolutely nowhere? Then, as I’d imagine, a kombucha-flavored flash signaled the start of your photo session, and you’re afforded three conscious uncoupling photos taken with a gaseous manifestation of your inner being hovering above your head in all shades of Instagram filter.

You could hook up to a bulletproof oxygen bar.

You bet it’s trendy to have an oxygen bar at a wellness conference but nay, our Gywyny doesn’t just do trendy. She’s so much more than that. She’s … bulletproof. Why bulletproof oxygen, some may ask? Well, it’s the same reasoning behind why we all need water-resistant lemon juicers, primary-colored meatball-making machines, dairy-free vacuum cleaners …

The main “In Goop Health” signage was written in veggies and all attendees were made aware that yes, these vegetables were organic.

// Marc Patrick/

Nothing more.

Everyone was talking about by CHLOE’s kale cookies + cream with homemade gluten-free dark chocolate waffles.

According to Twitter, this concoction was “everything.” According to the fact that kale and precious cookies should never be in the same sentence, let alone ice-cream scoop, this will never be bought by me.


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