OK, summer solstice, I understand technically you start June 21 and that the sun, as gleaned from our Northern half of the planet, has not yet reached its maximum axial tilt (thanks, Wikipedia!) but my iPhone weather app is all shiny sun emoticons and 80 degrees through the weekend, so summer it is.
Trust me on this one; I’m not alone in my premature seasonal evaluation. Come Friday around 5 o’clock in the early eve, it’ll be like some digital yodeler dressed in traditional Lederhosen scampered to the very top of an unseen Bitmoji mountain and declared in a voice more golden than the most flattering of IG filters that yes, good friends, the time has come. Let the poolside/beachside/cabana-side photos commence!
Because I truly care about the wellness of your double-tapping thumbs, (related: does “Sunday scrolling” count as a calorie-burning exercise?) I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of images that are sure to grace your phone screens this almost-summa week’s end:
Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Swan
Show me the guy who invented the swan pool floatie and I’ll show you a girl who wants to date him because that girl is me. Kidding. (Kind of.) But seriously, there is not a pool around town this weekend that won’t have a blow-up swan floating eloquently atop it. And stretched supine and statuesque across its hollow underbelly, your gorgeous gal pal, red cup in hand, looking at the camera with a coy yet knowing expression like, “Oh, weird to be here on an over-sized swan while in perfect hair and makeup laughing at the most hilarious thing you’ll never know was said! Glad someone passed by to conveniently capture this random, unplanned moment in time.” Bonus points if the swan’s gold. +100 more if it’s a unicorn.
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (Or Looking)
As Seinfeld circa 1995 might ask, “What is the deal with the back of hiker’s heads?” Yes, we get it. You went on a hike, the feral, lush vista is stunning and you are now on an existential quest to find your true self among its unfolding canyons, thus we cannot see your face. Well, you can bet your #OptOutside bottom dollar that your most outdoorsy friend will take to the hills in early morning, find craggy terrain to scale and pose in such a manner, back to lens. Don’t worry if you’re liking said photo from the hung-over depths of your couch on Sunday afternoon feeling like a lazy, hot-sauce-less taco; remember that if he/she hiked alone, it is entirely possible a creepy passerby named Fred took this very picture, nose-breathing and mumbling about how he once ate a sock.
Painted Brick Wall X Ice Cream Collab
Like Gandalf with magical staff raised, we say to all artistically painted walls this weekend with due gravitas, “You shall not pass!” There ain’t a single pink brick or white slab of vertical concrete that won’t have a drippy strawberry ice cream cone placed before it. Street art, you have zero chance.
Snapchat Selfies Were Made for This
Evan Spiegel, CEO of Snap Inc., is a genius. Not only because he dropped out of Stanford, launched one of the hottest social media apps in the universe and grew it to a $4 billion company by the age of 27, but also because his face filters are amazing; they literally make you look like the pig-cat you never knew you always wanted to be. Expect at least one Snapchat-imported selfie to hit your feed in the coming days and don’t be surprised if the caption has nothing to do with the image itself. It physically cannot. There is no way to hide from the blatant narcissism of posting a picture as a beautiful aardvark. Not even “can’t believe it’s Sunday” or “OMG crazy hot outside” will cut it. New summer motto: What happens on augmented reality face filters stays on Instagram.