I didn’t go to Gwyneth Paltrow’s In Goop Health event in Culver City, CA this past Saturday. I didn’t even contemplate dropping the $500 (or at its most vegan-ly indulgent, $1,500) required to attend. To be honest, I’m still recovering from her first cookbook’s blatant impracticality, discovered years ago as I was salivating over a pizza recipe only to realize it called for imported tomatoes from a sustainable farm in Southern Tuscany manned by a woman born on the third Wednesday in July and also a wood-fired backyard oven.
Adore me some Gwyneth, (hello there, The Royal Tenenbaums, Shakespeare in Love, and even Country Strong), but not all of us have Mario Batali listed as a favorite in our phone.
Anyway, because I wasn’t IRL at the fête, I’ve combed through the #InGoopHealth tweets and am listing the most ridiculous things uncovered during this digital excavation. My hope is that the below observations afford us casual, delivery-pizza folk the opportunity to understand what it might have been like to hobnob with the finest Goopists in Tinseltown …
“Did you get your aura photographed?”
What this question actually means is still unclear but someone tweeted she overheard it asked at some point during the 11-hour event. Was there a photo booth by the crystal-reading entrance (perhaps adjacent to the $35 Goop-branded water bottle stand), and when you stepped inside its farm-to-table bounds a vaporous cloud—your “aura”—appeared out of absolutely nowhere? Then, as I’d imagine, a kombucha-flavored flash signaled the start of your photo session, and you’re afforded three conscious uncoupling photos taken with a gaseous manifestation of your inner being hovering above your head in all shades of Instagram filter.
You could hook up to a bulletproof oxygen bar.
You bet it’s trendy to have an oxygen bar at a wellness conference but nay, our Gywyny doesn’t just do trendy. She’s so much more than that. She’s … bulletproof. Why bulletproof oxygen, some may ask? Well, it’s the same reasoning behind why we all need water-resistant lemon juicers, primary-colored meatball-making machines, dairy-free vacuum cleaners …
The main “In Goop Health” signage was written in veggies and all attendees were made aware that yes, these vegetables were organic.
Everyone was talking about by CHLOE’s kale cookies + cream with homemade gluten-free dark chocolate waffles.
According to Twitter, this concoction was “everything.” According to the fact that kale and precious cookies should never be in the same sentence, let alone ice-cream scoop, this will never be bought by me.