Ryan Lochte: Deep Thoughts and Dancing With The Stars

Brazilian bandit, Olympic gold medal swimmer, professional Tinder enthusiast … call him what you want but tonight at 8/7c, Ryan Lochte will officially become a competitor on season 23 of Dancing with the Stars. As the show unfolds, we can no doubt expect the famous (infamous?) swimmer—who found himself at the center of controversy at the Olympic Games in Rio last month—to merengue, foxtrot and rumba his way across the dance floor, and perhaps, pleads his overworked publicist, into our hearts.

While Ryan may not be known as a ballroom dancing expert yet, he is something of an accidental philosopher, which you might want to keep in mind as you watch him during tonight’s DWTS premiere. To prove his inadvertent insightfulness, here are 10 of Ryan’s tweets that are surprisingly deep … or deeply surprising. You decide:

1. “I’ve done wrong …”

Can’t a gorgeous, successful, arguably whiney swimmer be contrite every now and again? He knows he messed up; he knows he’s done us wrong. But he learned hard way about everything. Thing.

2. To quote the great Albert Einstein …

Riddle me this: What if Einstein’s Theory of Relativity wasn’t about space or time or astronomical phenomena but the precise way in which Ryan Lochte’s ripped jeans reduce friction as he moves through an airport terminal? Mind. Blown.

3. Ch-ch-ch-anges.

Of course, we now know in the everlasting tendrils of pop-culture time that Ryan was referring to the newly bleach-blonde color of his hair (gosh, I hope some reporter headlined that story Ryan’s New Lochtes) but there’s an undeniable Chinese fortune cookie-esque profundity to this tweet that cannot be denied.

4. What is timing anyway?

Bold, simple, vague. Who’s to say if this is Ryan The Post-modern Philosopher eliciting sagacious wisdom to the masses or else a brief description of a Tinder swipe gone wrong?

5. Sometimes, you just smile.

… With nothing but a speedo and a gently narcissistic hashtag to keep you warm.

6. Because it’s Friday!

On Fridays, we wear our Bitmoji beanies and pray to the gods of cartoon pizza.

7. Financial Models by Ryan Lochte.

If this isn’t a thinly veiled anti-Keynesian economic critique on excessive American consumerism then nothing is.

8. You can’t always get what you want …

You could also have exactly the same amount of time. Or less than you originally thought but more than you need. Or less than you need but more than you expected … Yeah—jeah!—never mind.

9. When you don’t quite understand …

Leave the man alone, OK? He’s a 12-time Olympic medalist and he’s confussed.

10. Yep.

Same, Ryan Lochte. Same.

UPDATE: Apparently Ryan was attacked by two men who stormed the stage during the judging portion of his first dance, according to Entertainment Weekly. (Read about the recently revealed identities of the men here.) Judge Carrie Ann Inaba tried to ward off the intruders, repeating, “Excuse me, excuse me!” Afterward, Ryan told host Tom Bergeron that he was “a little hurt,” adding, “”I came out here and I wanted to do something I was completely uncomfortable with, and I did.”

Wishing Ryan nothing but the best and glad he’s OK.

MELISSA MARNI IS A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA-BASED WRITER AND THE FOUNDER OF LITTLE WORD STUDIO. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, YOU CAN FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM HERE.