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Celebrity Cat Marries Wealthy Canadian Businessman

This article is part of a weekly series, “Untruth Tuesdays,” in which I take something completely, absurdly untrue then write about it as if it weren’t.

BY MELISSA MARNI, senior staff writer, The civic cheetah press

Trixie, a Japanese Bobtail cat with more than 500,000 followers on Instagram, is one of the most sought-after cats by scratch-post brands, fake-mouse manufacturers and catnip companies worldwide. She commands upwards of $10,000 for every photo she posts on her page (@TrixieWantsTreatz) and makes a reported $500 per minute (yes, minute) for appearances at birthdays and bachelor parties alike.

But with celebrated feline beauty, it’s no wonder Trixie is rolling deep in the kitty litter. Her fur—all white except for three perfectly round, black spots along her tail—has been compared to “freshly fallen Siberian snow glinting with thrice-made eagle droppings” by acclaimed fashion designer Yuri Bolani. Just one year ago, Bolani plucked (with permission) several strands of Trixie’s coat to create a one-of-a-kind necklace for famed cat lover First Lady Michelle Obama. And now, on top of Trixie’s many accomplishments, she’s adding wife of the richest ventriloquist in North America to the list.

Last Sunday during an intimate ceremony held at the Santa Barbara Pet & Fish Store, five-year-old Trixie married Williams Lombrickus (age 39) before a crowd of today’s most prominent puppeteers, turtles, kittens and goldfish. Sawdust lined the floor, a distinct smell of sweetly spewn cat urine filled the air and frogs (available for purchase) croaked a throaty, heartfelt rendition of “Here Comes the Bride” as Trixie sauntered down the aisle wearing nothing but a diamond-encrusted collar (made of course, exclusively by Bolani).

“For me, this was the most perfect way to celebrate a love that sprang at first sight,” said Trixie, who met Lombrickus exactly four years earlier while attending Purr-pose Charity Gala to raise money for abandoned kittens. “Williams was auctioning off a private, 10-minute show and after I put in the winning bid, the rest was history.”

Lombrickus, who couldn’t be reached for comment, spoke only through his dummy, Donald. “Williams is completely enamored with Trixie,” explained Donald. “He changes her water bowl twice a day, feeds her only the freshest, highest-grade ahi tuna and holds her when she has really bad fur balls,” he said. “If I was’t a plastic doll, I’d be jealous!”

Wedding attendee Ploppy, a blue-eyed female Chihuahua and Snapchat sensation known for her golden-tinted excretions (@WherePloppyPlops), added the pair couldn’t be better matched. “It’s a feline fairy tale romance,” she said. “And yes, I can be trusted when I say that even if I haven’t been walked yet today and am totally full of crap.”

MELISSA MARNI IS A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA-BASED WRITER AND THE FOUNDER OF little word studio. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, YOU CAN FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM HERE.

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