Reality TV Superstar Ties Her Shoe

Posted by melissa kandel on August 3, 2016 in Fiction, In the News, Television, Untruth | 2 Comments

This article is part of a new weekly series, “Untruth Tuesdays,” in which I take something completely, absurdly untrue then write about it as if it weren’t.

By Melissa Marni, Entertainment Editor, The Oklahoma Post-Gazette Daily

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Martin Shaklumsky, a butterfly collector who was on his way to work at the Rare Insect Museum & Preserve in Semi, OK when Lonna Lilliput, star of AGC’s hit show, “Lonna Looks for Love” (also named Manicurist Magazine’s 2016 Top 10 Wealthiest Women of Reality Dating Television) stepped on his right foot.

“Of course it hurt a little and I was about to yell ‘watch it,’ but then I looked up and saw Lonna,” the Junior Butterfly Collection Specialist explained. “At that point I could barely speak because I follow her on Snapchat and she’s like, super hott.”

Lilliput, however, had no trouble conversing and in a series of sentences that Shaklumsky described as “containing actual words put in almost the right order,” apologized for the incident then told Shaklumsky her assistant hadn’t tied her shoe that day.

What happened next would be etched in the butterfly collector’s memory forever.

“it’s hard for me to describe how exactly it all went down because I was really nervous to be that close to Lonna Lilliput and she’s more beautiful than a Zebra Swallowtail [butterfly],” he said. “The first thing she did was lower herself to her right shoe, I think she might’ve taken her shoelaces in both hands and then, it must’ve been about ten minutes later, somehow figured out how to tie the two strings together so they formed what looked like a lopsided bow.”

Shaklumsky did recall quite clearly that Lilliput told him she wanted to tie her shoes but had “never been able to do that before.”

“I was shocked when I saw her tie a shoe,” said dog walker Simon Blimney, who was crossing the street with a Pomeranian named Starburst when Lonna had hands to sneaker. “I watch her show every week and to be honest, I think Starburst may be smarter than she is,” he explained. “I was completely amazed.”

“Yes, my level of intelligence far surpasses that of the resplendent Lonna,” Starbust added. “Yet, when considering her irrefutable imbecility, the feat is, as Simon suggests, quite amazing.”

But Lilliput, who has been in the Semi area since Sunday for filming, is no stranger to the amazing; she recently made headlines for a controversial episode of her TV series during which the blonde beauty attempted to eat a fork while on a date with Miami-based real estate developer Joaquin Rewlinworth. The resident “Lonna Looks for Love” doctor later told news outlets she never managed to digest the utensil and thus suffered no internal damage.

When questioned for comment on the alleged shoe-tying triumph, Lilliput’s publicist denied knowledge of the incident. The only mention of the footwear accomplishment can be found in a cryptic tweet sent by the love-seeking superstar hours after the supposed shoe was tied. It reads: “Shuze ar cooll. XOXo.”


2 Responses

  1. Garry Stafford
    August 3, 2016

    “containing actual words put in almost the right order,” ah-hahaha! Shuze. Ha! And nice pic of the shoes. You’re too much.

  2. Alexander
    August 3, 2016

    Your names for the characters in your story are hysterical. This post made me laugh so much that it frightened people near me.


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