Saturday night in a crowded bar, standing betwixt desiccated beer droppings and sweaty bro-funk, the guy I’d spent 20 minutes talk-shouting to—there’s no other way to converse in a Bon Jovi-blasting pub—grabs my hand, tenderly and with both of his, looks right into my eyes and says, “You’re kind of weird, aren’t you?”
Not the best way to a girl’s heart but yes, I am a little weird and I’ll be the first to admit it. The proof: I named my dog Austin because I figured any city whose official motto pledged to keep things weird was at the very (verrrry) least deserving of recognition in the form of an 11-pound terrier with crooked ears. Also, I only drink goat’s milk.
And when it comes to summer, what better way to proclaim its official inception than through acts of unmitigated weirdiosity? Here’s how …
- Digitally. With Cats. Think about how much better that picture of you, watermelon mojito in hand, toes dangling in a pool, would be if, on the edge of your smallest, left toe, there was a cat. Whelp that dream just became a reality with Cat Paint, a strange, magnificent app that allows you to insert flying cats on top of any photo you please. Commence summer fun!
2. With the baddest grandma in the game. I don’t know who Baddie Winkle is or why she’s not my best friend but I’m pretty sure she invented the crop top, a summer fashion staple, in uh, the 1940s?
3. By wearing a facekini. Apparently these things are all the rage on the beaches in China but to be honest, I think they look way more V for Vendetta than Vogue.
4. By watching this David Hasselhoff video. Because summer is nothing without an eskimo Hasselhoff who has a penchant for hanging by random ponds, standing on self-driving motorcycles and catching fish with his bare … mouth.
5. With pickle pops. The weather is hot and you’re thirsty. What’s a heat-wave-parched person to do? Don’t go for the bland glass of water when you can have a pickle pop! According to the official pickle pop website, these things are best eaten by athletes “looking for a competitive advantage” and also “closet pickle drinkers.” So there’s that. Bring it on, pickled summer of 2016!