food

It’s National Donut Day But These Donuts Are Disgusting

In observance of National Donut Day and an unavoidable sugar high felt ’round the world, I think we owe it to ourselves to say exactly what everyone’s been thinking: Not all food tastes good on a donut.

Yet … yet! It seems like whenever we’re through thinking up ways to cook some regular, old grocery store item—here’s looking at you, bacon—we turn off our ovens, pack up our sauté pans and shout like the official town frier we aren’t, “Hear ye, hear ye! Henceforth, we will stick this ordinary piece of food on top of a donut!”

And so it was spoken, and so it shall be done.

Or should it?

Here are five foods I personally advise must never feel the glazed touch of fried dough, (though if they do, I’ve provided recommended titles for your baking convenience):

clam

Seafood and glazed sugar … yum.

onion

Fair warning that you’re probably not meeting Prince Charming after having one of these.

cheeseburger

You know we’re just a few maple-bacon glazed donuts away from this, right?

taco

Taco Tuesdays just got a whole lot … vanilla-meaty-er. (Yuck.) Also, bonus points if you caught the cult movie reference.

pizza

Did you hear that? It’s the groan of frat guys everywhere upon learning the pizz-onut is actually not a real thing.

OK, National Donut Day rant over. Now go enjoy your chocolate-sprinkled donut and be thankful it doesn’t have a pickle on top.

MELISSA MARNI IS A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA-BASED WRITER AND THE FOUNDER OF LITTLE WORD STUDIO. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO, YOU CAN FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM HERE. 

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